Tag Archives: comedy

You Aren’t the Only One Having a “Crazy” Day!

You aren’t the only one having a “crazy” day.

The reply hit my inbox a full three days after I had emailed a contract requiring a simple electronic signature, a legally binding image created after the world got tired of searching for pens.

The contract was attached along with a message: “Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. It’s just been CRAZY around here.” Yes, crazy was typed in all caps.

Later that day, as I waited in a bar for an old friend, I glanced at my watch. Did he forget about our dinner plans? It was 45 minutes after our scheduled meeting time.

Five minutes later he breezed in. “Sorry man. My life is just so crazy right now.”

I tried to summon a smile to hide my annoyance. It didn’t work. He noticed.

“What? I’m here. Let’s have a beer.”

Not so fast, buddy. Same goes for my supposedly haggard contract recipient. It’s 2019, and I have grown weary of everybody assuming they are the only ones who live in a world of permanent madness and are therefore entitled to be tardy whenever they choose, chalking it up to “craziness.” Our morning routines — particularly those of us with school aged children — are crazy; our jobs are crazy; our weekends, designed to be 48-hour respites of relaxation, invariably feel like workdays. We arise at 6 to shuttle our kids to all-day sporting events, deal with at least one technological failure and invariably answer multiple work-related emails even though we vowed not to.

While many of my friends resolve to lose 10 pounds beginning January 1, each new year I choose a long simmering internal grievance and vow to take it public. In 2018, I decided I would publicly shame anyone who barged into an elevator before letting others exit. A businessman staring at his cellphone in a Miami Beach hotel most recently incurred my wrath.

“Would it kill you to wait?” I asked, purposely ramming his shoulder as I stepped into the lobby. He glanced at me briefly but didn’t respond. He was most likely having a crazy day.

This year, I will not-so-subtly remind everyone that there is no excuse for using the “crazy” excuse. I may have to embellish my own life events, but it will be so worth it when I finally receive that long-awaited email from that individual who feels only his or her life is running at warp speed.

“Talk about crazy,” I’ll reply. “A meteor just crashed into my house, obliterating the second floor. Lucky for me, I was downtown organizing a 20,000-person fun run for prostate cancer awareness. Sorry this response is so short. Right now there’s an insurance adjustor, three NASA employees and some dude from CNN standing in what’s left of my driveway.”

The next time my friend enters the bar late, blaming a crazy day for his lack of punctuality, I’ll fire back. “Yeah, I can relate. My car, with my cellphone and wallet inside, got stolen about an hour ago. I had to borrow somebody else’s phone so I could call an Uber. By the way, do you mind paying for dinner?”

Finally, a word of warning to all physicians, cable repair technicians and auto mechanics: Do not for one moment consider it OK to make me wait more than 15 minutes past our agreed upon appointment or pickup time due to the “craziness” surrounding your place of business. For I will delay payment for your services well into 2019 due to my “crazy financial status.” While you unsuccessfully attempt to decipher that phrase’s meaning, I will escort you out the door or exit your premises, leaving you to contemplate the absurdity of your defense.

Please stay out of my way if you see me in an elevator.

Greg Schwem is known as the “King of the hill in the world of corporate comedy!” As a funny man and nationally syndicated humor columnist, Greg’s taking on the 21st century workplace and work/life balance has landed him on Fox News, Comedy Central, and Sirius/XMRadio. Fortune 500 companies and professional business associations alike have howled at Greg’s clean, customized material that takes a hilarious look at today’s work environment while motivating audiences to use humor to improve business. To book him for your next event call 888-766-3155 or click here: Book Greg Schwem

How To Ruin Your Event

How To Ruin Your Event

By David Deeble

There’s lots of ways to ruin an event. Let’s talk about ruining the entertainment portion, especially if you have gone with comedy.

With any type of live entertainment there is a relationship between the audience and the performer. Nowhere is this more pronounced than with comedy entertainment which, when performed at the highest level, is much more like a dialogue than a monologue. The audience might be able to chat amongst themselves and still enjoy a rock band, but not so with, say stand-up: to be successful the craft requires an audience that is totally engaged.

A professional, experienced and talented comedian knows when an audience isn’t with her and will prattle, prod and engage an audience until she knows they are focused and only then will he get to the heart of her act and the business of making them laugh.

But how, you may ask, can I make a comedy entertainer’s job as difficult as possible?

Let’s say you’re a professional event planner or someone who is otherwise responsible for planning an event for your company. You’ve done your homework and found a comedian who is accomplished, a pleasure to work with and perfectly suits your needs. Now the question is, what can you do to thwart this his remarkable talents and years of experience and make everyone in attendance uncomfortable at the same time?

Here are a few simple things you can do to ensure that the delicate, essential bond between an audience and a comedian is tenuous at best or, better yet, never established in the first place.

• Schedule The Entertainer Immediately After A Break

The room is pumped. The most-popular, hardest-working guy or gal in the company has just received his well-deserved award from the CEO and the energy in the room is at its peak. Whatever you do, don’t harness the audience’s energy by immediately introducing to the stage the entertainer you’ve budgeted a sizable sum to procure. Instead, have the CEO, emcee or whoever has the floor to announce a break “of about 15 minutes”. That should be enough time for the room to deflate, the energy vanish and allow the stragglers to head back into the room and settle into their seats while chatting with their fellow fellow employees about golf plans for the following weekend.

• Seat The Audience At Round Banquet Tables

For the love of God, you’re not going to ensure that all the seats in the audience are facing the stage, are you? No, no, no. When an entertainer walks on stage you want roughly half the audience facing the back of the room. That way more people will be able to tell when the line for the open bar is down to only a few people. You might also consider leaving the doors in the back of the room open, allowing those seated with their backs to the stage to “people watch” the smokers, stragglers and maybe even catch a glimpse of that woman from the coat check with the ineffable aura about her. Ideally, you want these people who face the back of the room to be completely unaware of what is going on on the stage. Think muzak.

• Serve Food During The Show

When a world-class comedy entertainer and a mediocre salad go head to head, the salad wins every time. Anything requiring utensils is best – after all, people are capable of enjoying a comedian with finger food like popcorn just as they are capable of enjoying a movie. Of course, it never hurts to have hard-working servers bustling from table to table pouring water, grinding pepper and sending that steak back to the kitchen until it’s done right.

• Arrange For A Large, Empty Space Between The Stage And The Front Row

Nothing is more conducive to an attentive, engaged audience like seating them as close to the stage as possible. There’s an intimacy to this seating arrangement that mimics the openness and rapport of an private conversation. This is why you want a large empty space surrounding the stage. Many venues place a small stage against the wall of a large banquet hall and surround it with a large, empty dance floor: this is the ideal way to ensure your money and reputation go to waste. Nothing sends the the audience the signal “You have nothing to do with this performance” quite like seating everyone no less than a metric mile of the edge of the stage. This way audience members can chat with each other throughout the show while feeling – wrongly – that it has no impact on the overall performance.

The above are just a few basic, feng-shui examples of how to ruin the entertainment portion of your event. The truth is, there are almost as many ways to ruin it as there are second-rate entertainers to ruin it for you.

Do you know other ways to ensure that entertaining at your event is as uphill a battle as possible?

David Deeble’s career in comedy began at the age of 8 when he joined the Long Beach Mystics, a now-legendary magic club in Long Beach, California. There, he was schooled relentless
ly in the importance of being a polished entertainer – not just a magic act. After opening for such comedians as Ray Romano and Kevin James, David made his debut as the variety star in “Bare Essence” at Harrah’s, Lake Tahoe. From there, he began making numerous appearances on American television including “America’s Got Talent,” “Last Comic Standing,” and “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on which he performed his trademark grocery-sack juggling routine. To Hire David as your next Entertainer, click here or call 888-766-3155 to book him!